


Whitelaw Books

by littleboycalico



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Deaf Character, M/M, Pinto, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-10-14
Updated: 2011-02-14
Packaged: 2017-10-18 02:29:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/183997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littleboycalico/pseuds/littleboycalico
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zach frequents the same hole-in-the-wall bookstore and notices a very attractive guy working there, who turns out to be Deaf.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It was the second time he visited the small bookstore in a week, but this time Zach had a legitimate reason for making the ten minute walk to Whitelaw Books from his house. The small, two level store stocked both new books with crisp spines as well as old ones with faded inscriptions and worn, yellow-edged pages. He loved the bookstore for its charm and quiet reading area near the back on the second floor.

Zach walked in and took his sunglasses off while discreetly taking a quick look around the store. A few other customers were scattered throughout, browsing and thumbing through books. As expected, he spotted the man leaning casually against one of the bookcases, reading a book cradled in his hands, his back to Zach. Zach had seen him there the last few times he’d been in, hot as hell in an oblivious kind of way, always hunched over a book, and figured that he probably worked at the store. Last time, Zach made eye contact with him and, stunned by the bright blueness of the eyes focused on him, promptly walked into a display of new paperback bestsellers.

He walked over toward him and cleared his throat.

“Hi, sorry to bother you,” Zach began.

The man hesitantly peered over his shoulder and turned around when he realized Zach was speaking to him. For a split second, Zach forgot what he was going to say as those eyes scanned his face.

“I’m looking for a leather bound collection of Shakespeare’s comedies, preferably a set that’s used and a little worn.”

The round blue eyes widened as he spoke, darting from Zach’s eyes to his mouth. Zach was flattered that he was blatantly being checked out by this guy, then realized that he probably just recognized him from Heroes or Star Trek. He seemed a bit shocked, maybe even panicked, but Zach was used to getting a variety of reactions from fans over the last couple years.

“It’s for my brother, his birthday’s coming up.”

He watched as the guy’s attention shifted over his shoulder. Zach turned his head and noticed a woman approaching him.

“Hi, my name is Katie. Is there something I can help you with?”

“Umm, yeah, I was just asking--,” Zach gestured to the guy he was speaking with, except he’d already left by the time Zach’s head turned back around and was halfway down the aisle of books.

“Oh, he’s mainly in charge of stocks and inventory,” Katie explained with a wave of her hand. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and motioned for Zach to follow her.

Within a few minutes, she had helped Zach locate a set of the books he wanted in a store in near Sacramento and arranged for them to be shipped to the store within a week. As he handed his credit card to Kaite, he glanced between the shelves of books, hoping to catch a glimpse of the guy again.

“I feel kind of bad,” he said sheepishly. “I think I may have spooked him before.”

She handed him a pen for him to sign. “Oh. I’m sure he’s okay.” Katie looked at Zach and then tore his receipt from the register. Normally, she didn’t like to bring Chris into the conversation when she was making small talk with customers; he’d told her once that it made him uncomfortable. But there was something about the regret in Zach’s voice that made her want to explain. She slid the receipt and Zach’s credit card across the narrow counter.

“He’s my brother,” Katie said softly. Zach put his credit card back into his wallet and looked at her, waiting for her to continue. “We own the store together,” she said with small smile. “He’s deaf and you probably just caught him off guard. It’s like he’s lost in his own little world whenever he’s got an open book in his hands.”

He dropped his eyes down for a second and then looked back up at Katie.

“Umm. If you think it would be appropriate, could I go apologize for ambushing him before?” he asked, jerking his thumb toward the back of the store. “I sort of just babbled at him and he probably thinks I’m crazy.”

She gave a small laugh. “He’s seen worse, I’m sure. But you’ll find him in the back,” Katie said and pointed to the far right corner of the store.

Zach walked down the furthest aisle but didn’t see anyone. It wasn’t until he got to the very end that he saw a pair of black Chuck Taylors peeking out from behind the tall shelf of books. Zach approached slowly, not wanting to startle him again, until he was standing a few feet away from Chris, sitting in a chair with his shoulders curved and head bowed over the same book he was reading earlier. For a few seconds, Zach felt the urge to reach out and fit his palms to the round of those shoulders. He waited as Chris’ gaze lifted and he noticed Zach. He held his hands out as Chris scrambled to his feet.

“No, it’s okay. I’m sorry to bother you again. I just wanted to apologize for sneaking up on you before. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

Chris’ eyes were focused on Zach’s mouth as he spoke. They then darted to the front of the store before returning to Zach’s face. Katie had sold him out. Chris shrugged shyly and nodded, and then looked away nervously.

Zach gestured to the book in Chris’ hand. Chris glanced down at the book then back at Zach.

“Philip Roth. That’s one of my favorites.”

Zach mentally congratulated himself when he saw Chris’s eyes soften and his posture relax.

“I think we’re also wearing the same shoes.”

Chris looked down at his feet and then at Zach’s and smiled.

“I gotta run... but I’ll see you around,” Zach offered weakly. He kind of hated how nervous he was at the moment.

Chris nodded and Zach turned to leave. After a couple steps, he stopped and spun back around.

“My name is Zach, by the way.”

With his right hand, he clumsily signed his name. An awkward moment passed and he felt consumed by idiocy so he began to retreat down the aisle again. Suddenly, he heard his name, uttered hesitantly, its sharp consonants dulled and rounded, but it was unmistakably his name. He turned and Chris had taken a few steps toward him.

“Chris,” he said, barely above a whisper, and then signed it.

Zach watched those hands, admiring the ease and familiarity with which it formed those five letters. With a grin, Zach looked up and saw that he was smiling too.

“Chris,” Zach repeated. “It was nice meeting you.”

They stood for a moment longer before Zach reluctantly shuffled away, giving Chris a small wave as he left the bookstore.

 

A few days later, Zach was flipping through the latest Stephen Hawking book and waiting for Katie to finish with a customer when he felt someone watching him. He looked up and saw Chris leaning with his shoulder against a wall, his arms crossed casually, right ankle crossed over his left. Chris’ eyes shone with mischief as he smirked at Zach.

With a smile, Zach put the book down and crossed his arms, jutting his hip out to the side. “What?” he asked playfully.

Chris shrugged as he pushed himself off the wall and walked behind the register. He pulled a black and white marbled notebook out from under the counter and took the pen in his shirt pocket out. He flipped the book open to a clean sheet and wrote something on the lined page before rotating it. Zach walked over to the counter with a grin.

 _I wouldn’t have guessed you were into physics._

Zach laughed and looked up at Chris. He noticed a faint blush coloring his cheeks, making his eyes appear even bluer.

“Hey, I’m well-rounded in my reading material. And it’s more about the mysteries of space than for the physics.”

He watched as Chris’ eyes moved from studying his mouth to his eyes.

Zach leaned forward on the counter and knitted his eyebrows together. He felt a bit foolish all of a sudden. “I just assumed that you can read lips.... Sorry, I don’t know, when I came in the other day I didn’t think to ask...” He ducked his head, but saw Chris lean forward on the counter too, scribbling something in the notebook.

 _It’s alright. I can, but it’s not the easiest skill for everyone to pick up. I can understand most of what someone says through lipreading. Some consonants are harder to differentiate._

Zach nodded and thought for a moment. “You can sign too, right?” Chris nodded back in reply.

Zach’s fingers gently stole the pen from under Chris’ hand. He propped himself on his elbow to write in the notebook.

 _Teach me the sign for ‘book’?_

Chris read it and a brief moment of hesitation fluttered across his features. His tongue darted out to lick at the corner of his lip as he looked at Zach and then down at his own hands, instructing him to watch. Chris brought his hands together, palms touching as though he was praying, his fingers pointing away from him, and before turning and opening his hands so that the palms were now facing up.

Zach stood up straight and slowly copied the motion. “Like opening a book.” He did it again and looked up at Chris nodding in approval.

He reached for the pen and began writing again. Chris spent the next few minutes teaching Zach how to sign random objects he saw in the store. Katie showed up as they were giggling over Zach’s inability to master the sign for “shoelaces.”

“Boys. You’re scaring off the other customers,” she said and signed teasingly.

She placed a gentle hand on Chris’ shoulder as she slipped passed him to retrieve Zach’s book order from the shelf behind the register. She placed the paper bag with the books on the counter before quietly leaving. Zach barely noticed as he was watching Chris write something. He took the pen from Chris’ hand and began jotting in the notebook.

 _What time do you leave work? Get coffee with me?_

He watched as Chris’ read what he wrote, eyes blinking rapidly and then blushing furiously. For a moment, Zach’s heart stopped and he waited for Chris to respond. He nearly panicked when Chris took a small step back and shoved his hands in his pockets. With a small tilt of his head, he looked at Zach and lifted a finger, asking him to wait, before walking off to the back of the store.

Chris returned a minute later with a grey cardigan and Zach watched as he headed straight for the door. He pushed it open a bit and gestured for Zach to follow him. Without any hesitation, Zach bolted up from where he was nearly draped over the counter and started toward Chris. He stopped when Chris’s face broke out into a huge grin, pointing frantically at the books Zach had forgotten on the counter. Shaking his head, Zach backtracked and grabbed the handle of the paper bag and hurried to the door. He laughed as Chris held the door open and purposely let go just as Zach was about to walk through.

Zach maybe, just a little bit, might have considered himself a romantic then when a flutter of anticipation rose in his stomach and he briefly wondered what the sign for 'kiss' was.


	2. Louder than sirens, louder than bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chris and Zach deal with being a couple and some challenges that might come with being in a Deaf/hearing relationship.

“Are you sure that’s how it’s spelled?”

Chris flipped through his dictionary and jabbed his finger at the open page with a huge grin. Zach sighed dramatically and counted up the points. On one hand, Zach hated losing at Scrabble. On the other hand, Chris was really adorable when he was smug.

Summer was nearly over and a month had passed since Zach and Chris had met at the bookstore. However, they had yet to spend the night together. Things were moving at a pace much slower than what Zach was used to, and if it had been anyone else, he probably would’ve given up by now. The strange thing was that Zach didn’t really seem to mind.

Chris was far more interesting than anyone Zach had met, much less dated, in recent memory. He genuinely enjoyed the time they spent flirting and discussing books, politics, philosophy, art, or anything; there wasn’t a topic that Chris didn’t know at least something about. As though that wasn’t enough, Chris had a playful sense of humor that never failed to amuse Zach. It was funny how Chris could be completely thoughtful and serious at times and then ten minutes later be excitedly going on about something else, hands flying everywhere, bouncing in his seat or on his heels, like a puppy straining at his leash.

Zach told himself that Chris was someone he would’ve been friends with anyway. The flirting was an added bonus.

It wasn’t until after their third coffee date that they kissed. Chris had led him down the furthest aisle of the store and abruptly pulled him into the same corner where Chris had sat the first day they met. Chris looked around hesitantly before pressing Zach up against the end of the tall bookshelf with his hips. He laid his palms flat on Zach’s chest and slowly slid his hands up to cup his face, pulling Zach toward him until their lips met in the lightest of kisses. Chris pulled back and looked at Zach, his blue doe-shaped eyes filled with a mixture of vulnerability, question, and want. Tipping his head forward and closing his eyes, Zach kissed Chris with as much reassurance as he’d ever poured into a simple kiss. As his arms wrapped around Chris’ narrow waist, the only sound he was aware of was the rush of the blood through his veins, his pulse pounding in his head. He was sure that Chris could hear it too, through the fingers curled around the nape of his neck and the thumb rubbing along his jaw.

Before that, their physical contact was limited to their hands when Chris would guide Zach’s fingers, folding them into new words. Zach’s vocabulary plateaued for several days after that, their tactile lessons quickly devolving into shameless groping. He learned that Chris’ gestures and posture revealed a lot of what he was thinking while his eyes gave away his emotions. It was as though they had a secret language of hands, looks, words, and laughter that belonged only to them.

'I won,' Chris signed. 'Again.'

'I know,' Zach signed with a smile.

Zach knew from the start that Chris could speak. Chris had explained how he’d gone to an elementary and high school for Deaf students where he learned ASL and took classes for speech therapy and lipreading. He confessed to Zach that he preferred to speak only in front of people he knew or in dire situations. Chris explained that it wasn’t out of protest, but he’d just been conditioned that way since he was little. It took a moment for Zach to realize that it was probably because Chris was teased when he was younger and he felt a special kind of hate rise in him for the children who taunted Chris into silence.

Even though Chris would write or speak to Zach whenever they were together, Zach insisted that Chris also sign everything so he could learn as much of the language as possible. Conversations would take a lot longer, and Chris would sometimes grow impatient with having to stop mid-sentence to explain something to Zach. Zach would teasingly pout and Chris was quick to forgive the minor interruptions.

Zach had meant to leave about an hour ago, but Chris insisted that they play another round and of course he agreed. He glanced at the clock and stretched.

They finished putting away the letters and Zach stood up to gather his things. As he turned from the couch, he almost swung his shoulder right into Chris, who had snuck up behind him. Zach wound his arms around him and was about to kiss him when he noticed how nervous Chris seemed, his eyes wide and not meeting Zach’s. He leaned back and placed his hands on Chris’ arms, ducking his head to capture his gaze.

“What is it?” Zach asked quietly.

Chris took a deep breath and looked at Zach with wide eyes. He signed something Zach didn’t recognize. With a furrowed brow, Zach signed that he didn’t understand.

“Stay,” Chris asked hesitantly. He tugged gently on Zach’s shirt tail.

“Yeah,” Zach replied.

In a flurry of kisses and touches, Zach enthusiastically began undressing Chris, who was laughing and trying unsuccessfully to undress Zach. Before he knew it, Zach had him cornered by his nightstand, wearing only his boxers. For a moment, Chris appeared shy as he climbed on the bed and dimmed the lights instead of turning them completely off. Chris looked at Zach and tilted his head, making sure that Zach was comfortable with leaving the light on. Chris then laid back on the bed, head on a pillow, eyelids heavy, and watched as Zach hopped around trying to rid himself of his shirt, socks, skin tight jeans, and black briefs.

Zach managed to pull the second pant leg off when his jaw dropped at the offensive sound. He looked over at Chris, pale skin glowing under the low light, with his eyes closed. Snoring.

Zach crawled up from the foot of the bed, still in his underwear, and stretched out carefully next to Chris. It hadn’t taken him that long to wriggle out of his clothes; he couldn’t believe Chris had fallen asleep so quickly. Not wanting to wake him, Zach just watched Chris breathe and studied his face: his chapped lips slightly parted, his eyelashes like dark fans, a faint freckle he hadn’t noticed before. Then one eye slowly opened, revealing a blue that Zach swore was unmatched by anything in nature, as a playful smile formed on Chris’s face.

“Oh, I hate you,” Zach said mockingly and turned away from Chris.

Chris laughed and pushed Zach onto his back. He had wondered what it would be like to feel Chris’ hands on him, those nimble and deft little fingers tracing their way over his skin. Zach had wanted this since that first day at the coffee shop when he saw Chris unwrap a straw and thread it through the lid of his iced coffee.

He watched as his touch brought a warm pink flush to Chris’ face and chest. Chris was skinnier than Zach had thought he would be and more beautiful than Zach could’ve ever imagined, smooth skin over cords of muscles, fit but still soft.

Chris’ eyes remained locked on Zach’s, watching every moan, gasp, and whimper while his fingertips flirted and mapped out Zach’s body. Suddenly, he understood why Chris wanted the lights on.

Narrow hips drove into Zach as he arched into Chris’ touch and pulled him closer. He remembered his breath stuttering before stilling, Chris’ eyes never leaving his.

The next day, he was waiting in his trailer and rooted around in his messenger bag for the book he’d borrowed off Chris’ bookshelf. When he turned to the page where he had left off, the folded napkin he was using as a bookmark had been replaced by strip of paper torn out of Chris’ notebook.

 _Tell me there’s no one else._

Zach reached for his phone and texted him.

 _only you._

 

 

Winter isn’t really winter in LA, but that crisp smell of chiller air signaled that it was right around the corner. It was already dark by the time Zach finished filming and arrived at Chris’ apartment, right above the bookstore on the third floor. The door to the stairs that led up to the studio was unlocked. Zach figured Chris had left it that way for him and headed up the two flights of stairs. He stopped when he saw that the door to Chris’ apartment was half-open. Carefully, he peered in, hoping Chris had mistakenly left it open and there was no actual danger awaiting him inside.

He watched as Chris and another man were signing furiously with each other near the kitchen. Their hands flew through the air, too quick for Zach to understand what they meant. Zach stood and watched the silent argument until Chris finally threw his arms out to his sides in defeat. It was then that Chris noticed Zach standing half-hidden behind the door. The other man followed the direction of Chris’ gaze and locked eyes with Zach for a brief moment before turning to Chris and signing something that Zach couldn’t see.

Zach nudged the door open and took a step in and stood uncomfortably by the door with his hands in his pockets. The other man walked by him briskly, a disapproving look passing over the man’s face as he looked Zach up and down before leaving and closing the door behind him.

'Are you okay?' Zach signed.

Chris nodded. Zach dropped his messenger bag on the floor next the couch as he slowly walked over to Chris. He leaned on the kitchen counter and waited. Chris sighed heavily and ran a hand over his face.

'My friend. Luke.'

Zach tentatively reached for Chris and was relieved when Chris stepped into his embrace without hesitation. After a moment, Zach pulled back and looked directly into Chris’ eyes and cupped his face. He kissed down the bridge of Chris’ nose and nipped at his bottom lip. Zach rested their foreheads together and closed his eyes. He felt a hand travel up his arm and wrap around his bicep as he breathed in the mixed scent of Chris, his aftershave, and hints of the fabric softener he used.

They stood together for a few minutes before Zach pulled back again. He found a shopping receipt on the countertop and twisted around to reach for a pen. He scribbled, tell me what happened?

Chris’ hand lingered at Zach’s waist and then dropped to his side. He walked over to the couch, sitting heavily. Zach followed and sat sideways and cross-legged, facing Chris.

Chris’ pink tongue darted out and swiped at the corner of his mouth before he began speaking softly, his hands calmly signing along.

“We’ve been friends since elementary school. He heard that I was seeing you and came over to... he just doesn’t want me to get hurt or be disappointed.”

“Hurt or disappointed?” Zach asked. “By me? I don’t understand,” he shook his head.

Chris hesitated. “When this ends. When you decide to... leave or break up or whatever,” he rushed through the last part.

Zach shook his head again, his face contorting in confusion and annoyance. “What? He doesn’t know me,” he sputtered. “Wait, this-- this isn’t all him. You think this too.”

He watched as Chris’ tongue darted out.

“Is there-- we’re not breaking up, are we?”

Chris shook his head.

Zach paused. “Is it cause I’m an actor? You think I’m pretending? That I’m in this for a quick fuck?”

Chris shook his head again. A guilty look crossed his face. “In the past, some people have... he just doesn’t want to see me make the same mistakes again,” he averted his eyes. “He’s made them, too, so he gets it.”

Zach watched Chris carefully. He reached out to get Chris look at him by touching his wrist. “You mean, seeing someone who can hear.” He watched as Chris nodded reluctantly.

Zach took both of his hands into his own, pulling Chris toward him. He eased them both back so that he was lying on the couch with Chris half on top and half tucked next to him, their hands clasps together between them. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, feeling their hearts beating underneath each other’s fingertips. He eventually brought Chris hand up to his mouth.

“Trust me,” he begged. Chris was already asleep.

 

 

Zach wanted so badly to make a good impression on Luke at dinner. But it was as if Luke purposely signed as quickly as possible to lose Zach in conversations, then questioning Zach’s stuttered signing with exaggerated motions, emphasizing his poor proficiency. And Zach understood: this is what it’s like to be left out of conversations, to not know what was being said around and about you. Dinner finally ended somewhat awkwardly, with Zach feeling as though he’d been more or less slapped in the face with the big take-home message: he wasn’t, and never would be, good enough for Chris.

They got into their first fight later that night. Zach accused Luke of being an asshole for not giving him a chance, and Chris defended Luke, saying that he was just looking out for Chris. Luke had always been protective of Chris since they were younger and didn’t want to see him get hurt again; Zach found himself wishing that Chris would be a little more protective of him.

“Have I done something wrong? Why are you so fixated on the idea that I’m going to leave you? It’s like you want me to do it!” Zach spat out.

“Cause it always ends that way!” Chris yelled back.

They stood staring at each other, Zach with his arms crossed, Chris licking nervously at his lips. Finally, Zach picked up Chris’ notebook and flipped to a clean page. He grabbed a pen from the coffee table, scribbled angrily in the notebook, and thrusted it open at Chris. Without looking at Chris, Zach grabbed his jacket and left.

 _Come find me when you’re ready to invest in this relationship instead of preparing yourself for it to be over._

Zach spent the rest of the night alternating between staring at the ceiling and staring at his phone on the nightstand. By dawn, he had given up on sleep and decided to go for a run to clear his head. He opened his front door and nearly tripped over Chris, who was huddled on his doorstep clutching a manila folder to his chest. Chris scrambled to his feet to face Zach with sad and tired eyes behind his black framed glasses, the same glasses Zach had timidly asked him leave on as Chris backed him up against the bed one night last week.

Chris looked down at his hands as he handed Zach the stack of papers. He scratched the back of his head, took a few steps backwards and turned to leave. Zach watched the back of his shoulders as he walked away, already missing the way they felt, strong and sturdy, under his lips and fingertips. He bit his lip as Chris glanced back and gave him a small hopeful smile.

Zach went back inside his house and flipped the folder open. Three yellow post-it notes were stuck to the first page.

 _I’m ready._

 _And I’m sorry._

 _I’m also sorry I killed a forest when I printed these out. Handing you a jump stick didn’tseemasprofound._

He chuckled at the thought of Chris realizing that he was running out of room to write at the bottom of the post-it. He carefully peeled them off the sheet of paper and stuck them to the front of the folder. Scanning the first page and quickly flipping through the first few pages, he realized he was holding something Chris had written.

Zach knew that Chris enjoyed writing, almost as much as he enjoyed reading, but remained vague whenever Zach asked him about it. He’d been writing more seriously again recently, having stopped since his Berkeley days to teach literature at the high school he had attended. Two years ago, Katie asked him if he wanted to have co-ownership of the family bookstore where he had spent his childhood hiding among the stacks of books, reading everything within his reach. Chris jumped at the chance to spend more time at the store and began indulging in his writing again.

Knowing that Chris was so protective of his writing, Zach almost felt as though he was intruding. He spent the rest of the morning sitting on his living room floor reading the short stories and poems Chris had printed out for him. Even though he’d never read anything Chris had written before, he could sense Chris’ presence behind every word, in the sarcastic humor, the palpable heartache. After he read everything twice, he laid down on the floor with Noah at his feet and Harold perched on the couch, and thought about how his heart felt lighter and heavier at the same time.

 

 

They were in the midst of a warm streak in February. Chris was on Zach’s laptop in his office looking up driving directions and trail maps for a hiking trail a friend recommended when Zach waved at him from the doorway.

'dog cat feed,' he signed and then gave Chris a double thumbs up. Chris returned the double thumbs up.

After Noah and Harold’s food bowls were filled, Zach went to the bathroom, grabbed a bottle of sunscreen, and packed it into his backpack. He walked by the office, expecting Chris to be done printing the directions and maps, but found him staring at something in his hands. Zach came up behind Chris and gently wrapped his arms around him. Chris twisted in Zach’s arms and held up a DVD case.

“What is this?” Chris asked.

Zach looked at it. “It’s an ASL instructional DVD.”

Chris looked at him blankly.

“I bought it so I could watch it in my trailer in between filming and learn a few extra signs..."

Chris stepped back. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked.

Zach shrugged and felt the need to cross his arms defensively. “I wasn’t trying to keep it a secret, I just didn’t think it was necessary to tell you I bought a DVD.” He held his hands out. “Look, after we had dinner with Luke, I felt like crap. He kept mocking me cause I wasn’t signing things correctly, and then he commented about how quiet I was cause I stopped signing. I know I’ll never be as good at it as you are, but I’m trying,” Zach pleaded.

It took a minute after Zach finished speaking for Chris to ask, “Why are you trying so hard?”

“What do you mean?”

“Doesn’t it make you tired? Don’t you ever think about how difficult this is? All the time and patience it takes to write things back and forth,” he lifted the DVD case, “all the effort this takes. Why do you have endless patience with this? Why would you...” Chris trailed off and shook his head.

Zach’s heart began racing as he stared at Chris and reached a hand out toward him with an upturned palm. “We’ve been through this, Chris.”

“Why?” Chris repeated, tossing the case onto the desk.

“Because I want to be good enough for you.”

Zach sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The words coming out of his mouth were nearly drowned by the echoing pulse rushing through his veins and his head.

“Because I love you and I want you to love me back.”

Chris stared at him hard. Then in a flash he stepped forward and collided with Zach, his mouth hungry and his hands buried in Zach’s hair. Chris broke the kiss just as Zach managed to rest his hands on his waist.

“Say it again,” Chris asked. His hand brushed over Zach’s cheek before his fingers began tracing Zach’s lips.

Chris’ eyes and fingertips were focused on his mouth as Zach breathed, “I love you.”

Zach closed his eyes as Chris buried his face into his neck. Right below his jaw, Zach felt it pressed and repeated into his skin, over and over again: _Iloveyou, Iloveyou, Iloveyou._


	3. I wish a falling star could fall forever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Birthdays, holidays, and meeting the parents.

It was Chris’ thirtieth birthday and Zach had cleared his schedule so he could spend the day with him. He hadn’t been terribly busy since _Heroes_ had ended and most of his time was spent working on and developing projects for Before the Door. The string of relaxing months was a welcomed break from endless hours on set and afternoons filled with meetings.

Katie had also agreed to give Chris the day off so there was no rush for him to get to the bookstore early to open it. Harold even allowed them to sleep in an entire extra hour before demanding their attention.

Reluctantly, they both got up to feed Zach’s pets, maneuvering around the half-dozen or so boxes in the kitchen that Chris had yet to unpack since he moved in a few weeks ago. Initially, Zach was afraid Chris would be reluctant to leave his studio above his beloved bookstore, but Chris assured him that he’d been wanting to look for a new place anyway, for an apartment that had actual rooms.

“You want to get coffee?” Chris had asked.

Zach smiled and wrapped his arms around Chris. “Whatever you want,” he replied and ten minutes later they were on their way to Intelligentsia with Noah.

As they left with their bagels and coffee, Zach noticed the figure across the street with a camera aimed in their direction. He glanced at Chris and saw his shoulders stiffen. Zach reached over and touched Chris’ elbow to alert him as the photographer ran through two lanes of traffic to their side of the street.

He was far more composed than the first time this happened, which had sent Chris into a panicked shock, red-faced and nearly hyperventilating by the time they had gotten home.

“Hey, how are you guys doing?” the guy said. “Zach, are you upset about _Heroes_ being cancelled?”

He continued throwing questions at them while Chris scowled behind his sunglasses. Eventually, he stopped following them after Zach gave him a firm wave as they turned onto a side street.

‘I’m sorry,’ Zach signed while balancing Noah’s leash and his coffee cup in his fingers.

Chris nodded and Zach could see the restraint in his way his jaw was set, his fingers flexing as he fought the urge to flip the paparazzi off.

With a quick look over his shoulder, Zach pulled Chris to him by the hem of his shirt and kissed the corner of his mouth.

“Proud of you,” he sing-songed.

Chris smiled coyly before grabbing Zach by the waist to blow a raspberry on his cheek, making him yelp in protest. Zach wiped at his face in mock disgust but was relieved that Chris’ mood hadn’t soured. Their hands kept brushing as they walked so Zach hooked his index finger around Chris’ pinky.

After they returned home, they ate a quick breakfast, and Chris asked if they could change back into pajamas and crawl into bed. They stayed wrapped around each other until Chris wiggled his way out of Zach’s arms to grab his soft cover copy of _The Princess Bride_ from the nightstand.

For the last half hour, Zach had been reading to him until Chris had called for a bathroom break.

Chris walked back into the bedroom and flopped down next Zach. Stretching out on his side, he scrunched himself as close to Zach as possible, resting his head on Zach’s shoulder and throwing a leg over his boyfriend’s.

Zach tucked his arm under Chris’ head and lightly brushed his fingers through his soft hair, periodically moving his hand over to flip the page of the book he held in his other hand. Chris placed his hand gently along Zach’s collar and followed along in the book, feeling the vibrations in Zach’s chest and throat as he read aloud.

Another twenty minutes passed and Zach noticed that Chris was getting antsy again. He glanced over and signed ‘bathroom’, but Chris shook his head, so he continued reading. Two pages later, Chris started squirming and let out a heavy sigh, making Zach pause to look at him. Then Chris reached over, took the book from Zach’s hand, and flung it toward the foot of the bed where it bounced once and landed on the floor.

Zach gave him another questioning look, his empty hand still hanging in the air, and Chris answered by sliding his hand underneath Zach’s cotton shirt. He pushed the soft fabric up and rolled onto Zach, smirking and slowly dropping kisses from his sternum to the waistband of his pajama pants.

“You should’ve just said so,” Zach breathed, gasping as Chris slid the thin, striped pants and his briefs down past his hips.

His thumb brushed across Chris’ cheekbone, blinking at how intensely blue his eyes were in the late morning sunlight. Zach groaned when Chris gently bit at the skin of his hipbone and ran his stubbled jaw along his swollen length. He was taking his time teasing Zach. Using the tip of his finger, Chris traced the underside of Zach’s shaft and watched with a smug look on his face as it jumped involuntarily under his touch.

With his chest heaving, Zach sat up with a grin and grabbed Chris by the wrists and wrestled both their shirts off while their laughter filled the bedroom. Chris cupped Zach's face and brought their noses together as they knelt on the bed. Zach managed to tug Chris’ sweatpants and boxers down far enough to free his erection before grasping them both with his left hand.

Chris’ mouth fell open with a stuttered moan and Zach kissed at his bottom lip while his hand worked on squeezing and pumping them. Placing his other hand on Chris’ hip, he encouraged him to thrust into his hand, grunting at the feel of Chris rubbing frantically against his own arousal. He knew how to read Chris, how make that faint pink flush bloom across his neck and chest, how to make his eyelids flutter, and how make him dig his fingernails into his shoulders. Burying his face into Chris’ neck, he mouthed against the soft skin, murmuring words that Chris couldn’t hear but could always understand.

He felt every muscle in Chris’ body seize for a moment before he relaxed and began pulsing into Zach’s fist with a whimper. Zach quickly ducked his head and watched Chris spill onto their abdomens and over his fingers. A few messy strokes later, Zach was coming too, coating his hand and trickling down their thighs as a couple drops fell onto the organic bamboo bedsheets.

“Happy birthday,” Zach whispered into Chris’ neck, smiling at the warm pulse underneath his pink skin.

 

 

Zach playfully pushed Chris out of the kitchen as he tried to chop up the vegetables for the salad he was supposed to bring to the party later.

When he finished, he found Chris fake pouting on the couch, legs tucked under him and watching a _Man vs. Wild_ marathon. One thing led to another, and somehow Zach found himself on the couch between Chris’ legs, coaxing moans and another orgasm from Chris.

Eventually, Chris dozed off happily and Zach watched a terrifying episode where Bear Grylls got stung in the face by bees. Afterward, he checked the time and gently woke Chris so they could leave for his parents’ house for dinner.

Chris’ dad was already preparing the grill in the backyard when they arrived. They greeted everyone in Chris’ family with hugs and were given slobbery kisses from Katie’s daughter, Hannah. Heading through the patio door, Zach made his way to the kitchen to put the two tupperware containers of salad in the fridge.

“How’s the unpacking going at your place?” Chris’ mom asked Zach as she handed him a glass of iced tea.

“It’s going,” he chuckled. “Chris made a fort for the cat out of some boxes we emptied.”

“I’m very glad Chris is getting some distance from the loft." She paused. "He’s always loved that place, but we were worried for a long time. There was a year or two when we thought he was getting too... it was like he just needed to grow up a bit...” She trailed off, her eyes momentarily turning a bit sad. “Well, I’m just happy that books and his writing aren’t the only things he lives for anymore,” she finished quietly.

Instinctively, Zach hugged her. She patted his arm and changed the topic. They talked about the rabbits that kept eating everything in her vegetable garden, how Hannah had started learning sign language, and how one of Chris’ cousins was going to move into the space above the bookstore.

Soon, more of Chris’ friends began showing up as Zach helped Chris’ parents prepare things for dinner. He was sitting in the grass a few feet across from Katie, passing Hannah between them as she waddled back and forth on unsteady feet, when Luke arrived. Getting to his feet, Zach gave him a quick handshake and they signed their hellos.

After their first not-so-welcoming encounter, Zach hadn’t seen Luke again for a couple months. They randomly bumped into each other at Whole Foods one afternoon and managed to be cordial with one another. They weren’t necessarily good friends, but they both wanted Chris to be happy and seemed to have an unspoken agreement to put the past behind them.

Zach felt a small tug on his pant leg and looked down to see Hannah with her face upturned, blinking expectantly at him. With a tap to his arm, Luke signaled that he would talk to Zach later and headed over to greet Chris’ parents.

“I think she wants you to pick her up,” Katie said with a grin.

“You want a hug?” Zach asked Hannah. She leaned against his long legs and tugged again on his jeans.

Laughing, he swooped her up, set her on his hip, and began walking toward the long picnic table as Katie rubbed his back affectionately.

“Hey, quit trying to steal my boyfriend!” Chris said teasingly as he ran up and began tickling Hannah.

It made Zach happy to see Chris smiling and laughing so much throughout the night, enjoying everyone’s company and hamming it up when it was time to blow out the candles on his birthday cake. Katie was passing out slices of cake when Chris approached Zach.

With a grin, Zach signed, ‘Happy Birthday’.

Chris laughed and clapped, bouncing on his feet twice and wrapping his arms around Zach. “I love you,” he said into Zach’s shoulder.

Tipping his head to the side, he leaned back slightly and signed it back to him, watching Chris’ eyes sparkle in the dark blue night.

“You’re amazing,” Chris said.

Zach took his hands in his and kissed them, pulling him close for a long hug. It frightened him to know how deeply he cared for Chris, enough to ask him to move in with him and enough to become part of his family.

Loosening his arms, he gave Chris a small push.

‘Cake,’ Zach signed. He watched as Chris bounded off, scooping up Hannah and placing her on his shoulders as Katie waved at him to be careful.

Once the guests had left, they tried to help clean up but were shooed away by Chris’ mom. She insisted that they head home to relax for the rest of the evening. On their way out, she pulled Zach in for a hug.

“Take good care of my baby,” she whispered in his ear.

Tightening his arms around her, he nodded. “I will.”

 

~*~

 

Zach turned around and realized that Chris wasn’t behind him. Retracing his steps, he wandered back into the kitchen where he saw that one of his aunts had cornered his boyfriend. From the way Chris’ eyes were wide and trained on her lips, Zach knew that she was blabbering on about something, oblivious to how Chris was trying desperately and unsuccessfully to read her lips.

It was the day before Thanksgiving and they’d barely been in Pittsburgh for two hours before his extended family descended upon his childhood home so they could catch a glimpse of Chris. Expecting them to wait until the big family dinner tomorrow really was asking for too much. He supposed it was partly his own doing for revealing so little about his love life and never bringing anyone of significance home with him, but he wasn’t prepared for this level of excitement and curiosity.

He was still on the other side of the room when Joe appeared in out of nowhere and pulled Chris away by the elbow with a quick apology to Aunt Rita. Thank god Joe suggested he come along for the holiday, Zach thought.

It was natural for him to be nervous about what his mom thought of Chris, and vice versa, and he had hoped they could get acquainted with one another today before meeting the rest of the family. They were generally a well-meaning and loving bunch, but were also nosy, blunt, a bit pushy, slightly judgmental, not up to speed on political correctness, and still in denial that he had sex with men.

Zach felt bad for unleashing them on Chris.

Even though his mom wasn’t entirely comfortable with ‘the gay thing’ either, she tried for his sake. In the past, she had always remained quite passive whenever he brought up the topic of people he was seeing. But Zach noticed something shift in her attitude over the summer after he cautiously told her that Chris was planning on moving in with him. In the following weeks, she began asking about Chris more, her tone becoming one of caring interest rather than detached politeness. A couple months later, she asked if Chris wanted to visit for Thanksgiving, and Zach had sat on the phone for a full minute in silence, trying to swallow the lump in his throat before telling her that Chris had wanted to meet her for some time now, too.

“You seem to have misplaced something,” his brother said after he steered Chris toward him, passed the aunts, cousins, and kids in the kitchen.

Joe stood behind Chris with his hands on his shoulders and gave them a firm squeeze before pushing him gently into Zach.

“Thanks, Joe,” Zach mumbled. Taking Chris by the wrist, he led him to the living room and out of everyone’s sight, feeling several pairs of eyes following them as they left the kitchen.

‘Are you okay?’ Zach signed. His forehead was creased with concern.

Chris nodded, placing his hands on Zach’s waist. “I’m fine. I think you’re more worried than I am.”

Zach shrugged and pulled Chris closer to wrap his arms around his shoulders. He closed his eyes as Chris pressed his lips to Zach’s temple.

“Zacha--”

He opened his eyes and saw his mom standing in the doorway, twisting her hands in front of her. Giving Chris a slight nudge, they pulled away from each other.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” she started softly.

“It’s okay, Ma,” Zach said. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Chris ducking his head to hide his blush.

She gave him a small nod. “Well, I came to let you know that dinner won’t be ready for a while. I wasn’t expecting so many people tonight. If you boys wanted to rest and get away from all this madness... I’ve set up the guest bedroom for you two.”

Letting them stay together in the guest bedroom was not a small gesture. It wasn’t something Zach had discussed with his mom, so he had assumed that he and Chris would be staying in separate rooms. Chris had taken that to mean they should have twice the amount of sex in the days leading up to their visit to make up for it.

Zach took a deep breath and poked Chris in the arm, tipping his head in the direction of their bags, forgotten by the foot of the staircase.

“Thanks, Ma,” Zach whispered. He gave her hand a squeeze before helping Chris to carrying their things to the bedroom at end of the hallway.

Zach opened the door, and a quick look around confirmed that his mom hadn’t changed much about the room. The bed had been moved about a foot further from the wall and his mom had apparently invested in bedding that was more current than the late 70’s. But besides that, the pictures that hung on the walls were exactly as he remembered them, as were the rows of his father’s books lining the oak shelves that were built into the wall next to the door and the one adjacent to it.

He closed the door and dropped his bag. Zach unpacked their toiletries and carried them to the adjoining bathroom. With some amusement, he smiled and watched as Chris looked through the books, tracing his fingertip along the spines of some, a look of childlike wonder in his eyes.

“Your dad’s books?” Chris asked and signed.

Zach nodded and walked over to stand next to him.

“He must have loved these books,” Chris observed, turning to Zach. “He read to you a lot when you were little? That’s why you and Joe read as much as you do?”

Zach nodded and leaned against the wall, pulling out one of the books and flipping through it absently before placing it back on the shelf. He reached for Chris’ hand and pushed himself off the wall to cup Chris’ face.

“Thank you for being here,” he said, rubbing his thumb on Chris’ cheekbones.

The smile Chris gave him was brilliant. He pressed the length of his body against Zach’s, making him shuffle half a step backward until his back hit the bookshelf, and trapped him there, his hands on either side of Zach. With Chris’ mouth hovering an inch from his, Zach could feel his heart beating faster in anticipation. He felt fingers crawling under his shirt and brushing along his sides and lower back.

“No, Chris,” Zach laughed, even though his hips moved forward to seek out Chris’ involuntarily.

The door was closed but unlocked. He could only imagine the embarrassment if someone were to walk in on them like this. He tried to wiggle away, but Chris grinned and held him in place with his hands and his hips. When he stopped struggling, Chris leaned in and kissed him softly before pulling back to look at Zach. Then he leaned in again, and Zach closed his eyes to the feel of Chris’ mouth moving against his, slow and teasing, a small whimper escaping him when the tip of Chris’ tongue traced his bottom lip.

“We should really stop,” he whispered. Even though Chris probably didn’t know what Zach had said, he knew enough to take a step back.

With a giggle, Chris took his hand and dragged him into the bathroom. Kicking the door closed, Chris flipped the lock and spun Zach around so his back was against the door.

“You need to relax,” Chris said, the mischief evident in his blue eyes as he dropped to his knees in front of Zach and tugged at his zipper.

 

 

Dinners in the dining room were for holidays, family gatherings, and other special occasions. Zach had hoped they would have a quiet dinner tonight at the small table in the kitchen like they normally would, but even from the hallway he could hear two of his aunts and the shrill screams of his cousin’s kids. One of them careened around the corner and smacked into Chris’ legs.

“Oww!” the child complained.

“Sorry,” Chris offered and helped the boy get up.

“Hey, you’re Chris. You talk funny,” he said and jabbed a pudgy finger at him. “My mom says you guys are boyfriends.”

“Brandon,” Zach said with a warning tone.

“My mom also said you can’t hear stuff.”

“Hey!” Zach snapped.

He took Brandon by the shoulder and marched him to the dining room where people were bustling around and trying to figure out where to sit. Zach made sure that Chris sat next to him, and motioned for Joe to sit on the other side of Chris. Turning to Zach, Chris smiled and placed his notebook between them on the table.

Throughout dinner, Zach would sign things and scribble in the notebook so Chris could follow along in the conversation. Chris chimed in at times and seemed to be enjoying himself while charming everyone in the process.

After the table had been cleared, Zach went to the kitchen to help his mom with the desserts.

“How is Chris holding up?” his mom asked.

Zach opened one of the drawers in search of the ice cream scooper. “He’s doing really well, despite the circus.” He handed her a stack of plates and lowered his voice. “Thank you, Ma. I know this isn’t easy for you.”

With a wave of her hand, she shook her head. “I just wish I had gotten to spend some more time with him before everybody showed up.”

Zach smiled and took the half-gallon carton of ice cream out from the freezer. “Me too.” There was a pause as he studied his mom. “What do you think of him so far?”

“He seems like a nice boy,” she said quietly.

Biting his lips to keep from grinning too broadly, Zach began scooping ice cream onto the plates with slices of pumpkin pie.

He heard Chris’ name and walked to the dining room in time to see his cousin Siobhan snapping her fingers at him while he was scribbling in his notebook between him and Joe.

“That’s really rude,” Zach called out.

She stopped and looked at him, a surprised expression on her face. “Well, he can’t hear me, and I’ve been trying to get his attention so I can ask him something.”

Chris finally looked up and noticed that something was wrong.

“There are other ways, Siobhan,” Joe cut in.

Holding her hands up, she settled back in her chair to sulk. Zach pulled on her shirtsleeve and eyed the kitchen. Once out of earshot everyone except his mother, Zach crossed his arms at her.

“Snapping your fingers? C’mon. I literally can’t think of something that’s more condescending than that. You couldn’t have waved or tapped his arm?”

“I’m trying to make an effort to get to know him, but I don’t understand how I’m supposed to do that.” She held her hand out for emphasis. “I can’t talk to him like a normal person--”

“He _is_ a normal person,” Zach interrupted. “It takes some time and patience, but it’s not impossible to communicate with him just because he’s deaf.”

“It’s too complicated. I don’t know why you enjoy making things harder on yourself.”

Taking a deep breath, he rubbed his hand over his face. “It’s this kind of stuff that made me not want to introduce him to you guys. Can you please stop embarrassing me and be a decent person?”

“Oh, screw you, Zach, with your holier-than-thou--”

“Language!” his mom scolded. “Siobhan, be polite. Zachary, help me carry these plates out.”

In a huff, Zach’s cousin left the kitchen.

“It’ll be fine,” his mom said. “You want to protect him, but Chris is tougher than you think.” She patted his hand and turned to look for spoons.

Zach picked up as many plates as he could carry and brought them to the dining room. He sat back down next to Chris, who gave him a warm smile and slid the notebook over.

 _Stop worrying. I’ve been through a lot worse._

With the notebook in his lap, Zach began writing down in detail all the things he wanted to do to Chris once they were back home. Chris nearly choked on his pie when he read what Zach had written. They continued passing filthy notes between each other and didn’t notice the way Siobhan had been staring curiously at them the whole time.

 

 

There was a moment of confusion when Zach woke the next morning in an unfamiliar bed before he remember that he was at his mom’s house. As he stretched, he turned his head and realized that Chris wasn’t next to him. He rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes and sat up, swinging his legs off the side of the bed. Zach shuffled to the bathroom and scratched the back of his neck when he saw that Chris wasn’t there.

Grabbing Chris’ blue hoodie, Zach shivered and pulled it on as he left the bedroom. The kitchen light was on and the smell of coffee wafted down the hallway.

Zach pressed himself up to the wall and peaked his head around the corner and into the kitchen. Chris and his mom were sitting on either side of the breakfast bar, slightly turned toward the window and away from the doorway where he was creeping, writing in Chris’ notebook and passing it between them. His mom would occasionally say something to Chris or chuckle as she mimicked his hand movements.

He really hoped Chris had torn out the page they were scribbling on the night before.

She chuckled at something Chris wrote and batted at his arm playfully. Hopping off the bar stool, she brought over the coffee pot and filled two mugs. Chris also got up and Zach ducked behind the wall to avoid being spotted. When he looked around the corner again, Chris was stirring milk into his coffee while his mom was writing again in the notebook.

He watched as Chris read it and froze while his mom sipped from her mug. Then, he saw Chris’ neck and face turn pink as he beamed and quickly wrote something. She glanced at what he had written and laughed, picking up the carton of milk and ruffling his hair on her way to the fridge.

He didn’t think was possible, but watching him with his mom, Zach might have fallen in love with Chris just a little bit more.


	4. I’d make wine from your tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Zach in NY, their long distance relationship gets tested.

Zach pushed at his front door and propped it open with his leg as he slid his bag through the doorway and into the house. Just as he was resetting the security alarm, he heard the enthusiastic clack of nails against the hardwood floor.

He laughed at Noah’s happily wagging tail and leaned over to scratch his dog’s head and neck. A moment later, Harold sauntered over and purred as he rubbed his head on Zach’s shin. Zach give him a few scratches behind the ears and ran his hand down the black cat’s back.

“How are my boys? Have you been taking good care of Chris?” Sitting on the floor, he played and wrestled with Noah while Harold flopped down and began licking his paws.

Zach managed to catch an earlier flight and decided to surprise Chris for his birthday instead of telling him about his change in plans. It was only a difference of a couple hours, but enough for him to make it home before Chris was finished with work. He smiled at the sight of a thick cardigan left on the couch and the pages of writing that were scattered across the coffee table, the dining table, and everywhere in between.

As much as he enjoyed being in New York, he thought constantly about Chris and questioned whether he had made the right decision to be in the play. The look on Chris’ face when Zach first found out he’d gotten an audition for Louis was that of pure pride and excitement. He tried to hide it, but Zach also saw how his eyes briefly flashed of disappointment and worry.

There were countless discussions about Zach moving to the east coast for eight months. Even though Chris was nothing but selflessly encouraging, Zach had nearly given up at one point, right after his third audition, having being away form Chris for less than a week; he couldn’t imagine what more than half a year would feel like. Chris pleaded with him to take the role if it was offered to him, saying that Zach would forever look back and wonder with regret if he were to let this opportunity pass.

 _We’ll figure out a way to visit each other as much as possible. And I bet Skype sexing is hot. Want to give it try now?_

When the phone call arrived a couple days later, Zach only hesitated for a moment before accepting and then immediately texted Chris. The minute it took for Chris to text him back felt like hours as he held his phone in his hands.

 _I never doubted for a moment that you’d get it. Make me proud._

Zach remembered feeling a dizzying combination of joy, fear, gratitude, and heartache that reduced him to tears while he stared at Chris’ text in his hotel room.

Their plan for Chris to fly out every other week hit a snag when his brother-in-law tore his ACL and required emergency knee surgery. Chris took on extra hours so his sister could scale back her time in the bookstore to help with her husband’s recovery.

Weeks of late night Skype sessions filled with grainy longing stares passed, and Zach became increasingly more frustrated. He booked a flight home for Chris’ birthday in August; the last time they had seen each was over three months ago in May. Flying home for a day and a half meant that Zach would be missing two rehearsals, but he couldn’t stand to be away any longer.

He dragged his bag to the bedroom and walked over to the bed. Zach smiled as he shook his head at the rumpled and unmade sheets on Chris’ side. It was somehow endearing and sad at the same time to think that Chris stayed on his side of the bed every night. The space that Zach should’ve been occupying remained untouched and was a physical reminder of his absence.

 _This is so stupid, but I have this fantasy where you show up in the middle of the night and crawl into bed to surprise me._

Zach went to the kitchen to get some water and noticed all the food in the fully stocked fridge. On the middle shelf was a cellophane covered glass pan with something sitting in a marinade. There were several shopping totes on the counter that hadn’t been unpacked yet.

 _Tickets sold out within hours and they decided to extend the show until the end of January. I’m under contract for the first extension. I’ll have performances straight through Christmas and New Years. I’m so sorry, Chris, I can’t make it home for the holidays._

That twist of overwhelming guilt in his stomach returned again. It hadn’t occurred to him to ask if Chris wanted to spend his birthday with his family and friends. He just assumed Chris would want to spend it with him alone. And now he realized that Chris was planning on cooking his own birthday dinner to accommodate Zach’s schedule. It was a stark contrast to how they had all celebrated his birthday last year.

Chris deserved better, Zach repeated in his head to himself for the thousandth time. This just didn’t seem right.

The sound of Noah trotting to the front door disrupted Zach’s thoughts. A moment later, he was standing in the living room as Chris walked in carrying another bag of groceries. Zach beamed at the sight of him and watched the surprise on Chris’ face melt into a huge smile.

‘Happy Birthday,’ he signed.

Chris dropped the bag he was carrying and threw himself at Zach. His arms wrapped around Chris and he was shocked to find that he’d lost weight. He tried to pry Chris off him, but his mouth was insistently latched onto his neck. Giggling at the feel of hands crawling up his shirt, Zach tipped Chris’ chin up to look at him.

“I missed you,” Zach said. “So much. You have no idea.”

His vision was consumed by the blue of Chris’ eyes. Neither of them said a word as Chris led him to the bedroom.

Less than thirty hours later, Zach was sitting on a plane again, thinking about pale skin and too skinny limbs. He reached under his seat for his messenger bag and found a neatly folded piece of paper in the front pocket. It was a ticket confirmation for a flight from LAX to LGA on December 24 with Chris’ name. On the back, he had scrawled something diagonally across the sheet of paper.

 _Then I’ll bring Christmas to you._

Zach smiled broadly, feeling like he’d struck gold with Chris, but at the same time, feeling that he somehow wasn’t worthy.

 

 

Zach couldn’t keep his eyes off Chris. His hair had grown out and he looked even younger than he did when he had visited a month ago in September. It wasn’t often that Chris wore suits, but he insisted on looking presentable at the opening night of _Angels in America_. Zach had spent most of the night thinking about the taut muscles of Chris’ back and shoulders hidden underneath the charcoal suit jacket.

Chris had met most of the cast and crew the last time he was in town and Zach proudly introduced him to his network of stage-acting friends who came to the opening. He felt lighter than he had in weeks with Chris next to him, but he also couldn’t shake the feeling that Chris seemed distant.

When he first noticed it last month, Zach assumed Chris was tired or overwhelmed from meeting so many people. But it seemed to continue after Chris went back to LA. At first, Zach told himself he was imagining things, but after a week, there was a definite pattern: Chris would be less talkative, seem distracted, and then end their Skype session, saying he was tired. Zach knew he had been sleeping less and was stressed out from exchanging countless versions of his manuscript with his editor as they got closer to publishing his novel.

This time though, something was definitely wrong about the practiced smile he gave and the dullness in his eyes.

It wasn’t until they were back at his apartment when Chris actually shied away from his touch while they were in bed. Zach’s stomach dropped into his gut.

‘Are you okay?’ Zach signed.

Chris gave him a tired nod and another unconvincing smile.

Reaching to the nightstand, Zach opened the notebook and wrote on a clean page.

 _Was it too much tonight? Too many people?_

Carefully, Chris shook his head and wouldn’t look him in the eye. Fear crept up Zach’s spine and his heartbeat was suddenly deafening in his ears. It wasn't unusual for Chris to be quiet around new people, but this withdrawn and disinterested version of him was worrisome to Zach.

 _What’s bothering you?_

“Nothing,” Chris said.

Zach studied him carefully and tried unsuccessfully to get Chris to make eye contact with him. He placed a hand on his forearm and Chris looked up with a kind of vacancy in his eyes that made panic rise in Zach’s chest.

‘Please,’ he signed.

Hesitantly, Chris picked up the pen and wrote in the notebook.

 _I’m so out of place with your friends here. They’re all actors and artists and I’m a boring deaf kid. I’m afraid you’re going to leave me and find someone better whom you have more in common with._

Zach sat up abruptly and reached for the pen in Chris’ hand.

 _You don’t really think that do you?_

Chris bit his lip as Zach handed the pen and notebook back to him.

 _I saw how happy you were tonight. You were flirting and laughing with everyone. You have this career, these friends who get you as an actor, a life here that I’m not a part of and I wonder if I’m holding you back._

Zach blinked as he stared at the words. His heart was beating so fast that he could feel it in his throat, threatening to choke the breath from him.

 _I’m happy because you were here. I want to share this with you. You ground me and help me keep things in perspective. You don’t know how much that means to me._

He watched Chris think for a long moment before he began writing again, the pen moving quickly and urgently over the page.

 _I feel you pulling away from me. You’re more guarded. There’s something you’re not telling me and everyday I think you’re going to wake up and realize you don’t feel the same about me anymore, or that you’re leaving me for some young actor._

Reaching for the pen, Zach realized that his hand was shaking and his handwriting was choppy and rushed.

 _You’ve been keeping something from me too. You’ve been distant and quiet. Maybe I’ve been keeping something from you, but it’s not what you think. I’ve had this nagging feeling that I’ve let you down. I feel like you deserve more than what I can give you right now. I should be there to support you as you’re writing. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t chasing their dreams while you watch from the other side of the country._

Zach saw that Chris was trying to hide his tears as he picked up the pen.

 _It’s lonely, but you don’t know how fucking proud I am of you. This was your dream long before you met me. Who would I be to take it from you? Maybe I just came along at the wrong time._

Shaking his head, Zach shifted and wrapped his arms around Chris. They stayed on their sides, facing each other with mirroring looks of worry and uncertainty. Eventually, Zach turned off the light and continued to hold Chris close to him, wondering if they could survive another three months without falling apart and ignoring the possibility that maybe it was already too late.

He woke up in the middle of the night to the feel of gentle but desperate hands on him. Later, Zach’s fingers were tangled in Chris’ hair as sobbed into his neck and came inside him.

“This isn’t the last time. I don’t want to lose you like this,” Zach whispered against Chris’ jaw.

The next morning, they exchanged only a few words before Chris left. After the cab drove away, Zach walked up the two flights of stairs to his apartment and felt as if his chest had been hollowed out. He was tidying up the coffee table when he found the folded sheet of blue lined paper.

 _Am I still visiting in December?_

Zach went to the kitchen and picked up his phone to text Chris, but after typing and deleting seven different messages, he ended up skirting the question completely.

 _have a safe flight. let me know when you get in. love you._

 

 

The next two weeks passed by blindly as the conversations between him and Chris dwindled in frequency and length. He performed every night on stage with little passion. He breathed cautiously because deep breaths seemed to make his chest hurt, and he convinced himself that something as innocuous as air might suffocate him or shatter his heart.

Zach woke up one morning in the middle of November, stared at his calendar, and saw nothing but blue eyes lined with tears. Flipping open his laptop, he booked a flight for later that evening and packed his bag.

As soon as they took their bows, he bolted out the door and hurried directly to the airport.

It was nearly 3 a.m. when he arrived home to find Chris asleep in their bed. Zach watched him sleep, studying the steady rise and fall of his chest, the slight part of his mouth, and the strand of hair that fell across his forehead. Stripping down to his underwear, Zach climbed into bed and smiled when Chris blinked with sleepy confusion before his eyes flew wide open, suddenly alert and shockingly bright even in the dark room. He threw his arms around Zach and hugged him so tightly that it left a bruise.

They spent the next two days in bed curled around each other, confessing and addressing each other’s fears. It started out as a game of ‘would you rather’, which turned into a game of hypotheticals, and then led to honest discussions of the things that had bothered them over the last few months. They acknowledged that, at some point in their future, they’d probably have to endure a long-distance period again. There were no declarations of unrealistic promises, just a mutual agreement to voice their insecurities and paranoia instead of letting them come between them.

He was fumbling through his carry-on in the security line at the airport when he saw the small slip of paper sticking out of his book. He flipped to the page it was marking. The dog-eared corner had been smoothed out and he read what was written on the strip of paper torn from Chris’ notebook.

 _Hypothetically, what if I asked you to marry me? What would you say?_

Zach pulled his phone out from his pocket.

 _i’d say yes. in a heartbeat._

 

 

Zach had spent the day with his mom, walking through museums and visiting different eateries throughout the city. It was the last free day he had before he was finished with his run in Angels. As they headed back toward her hotel, his mom became suspiciously quiet. If there was something she wanted to share with him, he was sure she would when she was ready. He gave her a hug in the lobby and felt her cling to him.

“Come with me for a minute, Zachary. There’s something I want to show you,” she said, avoiding his gaze.

With some concern, he followed her into the elevator and then into her hotel room.

“Sit. It’s nothing bad,” she assured him.

Zach sat at the foot of the bed and watched her back as she looked through her purse. When she turned around, he saw that she had a small jewelry box in her hands. She sat next to him and held the box out to him. Swallowing hard, he took it and opened it, revealing his father’s gold wedding band.

“You mentioned that Chris had said something in passing a couple weeks ago...” she began.

Zach had woken up on Christmas morning in his apartment to find that Chris was watching him sleep. He remembered how Chris had traced his fingertips down his cheek with a soft expression.

“I’m going to marry you someday.”

It played over in Zach’s mind a million times a day.

His mom patted his knee and leaned into him. “I don’t want to meddle in your business. Whatever you two choose to do, marriage or not, official or not, I’m blessed to see how you glow when you’re around each other. The way you look at him, that look -- that same face -- it’s how he used to look at me.”

Unable to summon his voice and the right words, Zach simply nodded.

“Your father would’ve adored him, as well.”

 

Zach found a strange sense of satisfaction at the curious and suspicious looks Chris kept giving him throughout dinner. Not that he blamed Chris, who came home to the most elaborate meal Zach had ever attempted to prepare. In truth, Zach had been collecting recipes and calling Chris’ mom almost every day in the month since he’d returned from New York to plan this night.

“I wanted to do something special for you,” Zach had explained, and received a raised eyebrow in response.

But Chris played along, fully aware that Zach was up to something, while genuinely enjoying the attention and effort that Zach had put into their dinner. If he noticed that Zach seemed a bit nervous and his knee bounced under the table a little more excitedly than usual, he didn’t mention it.

They fell into a long silence after Zach finished telling Chris about the new project he had been working on with Neal with Corey that afternoon. Chris stood up and began to clear the table, but Zach took his hand and stopped him.

“Just wait,” he said and dragged him over to the couch.

“What’s going on, Zach?”

Placing a quick kiss on Chris’ lips, he grinned and nearly skipped to the bedroom. “Don’t go anywhere,” he said.

He hurried back and sat next to Chris, biting his lip and vibrating with excitement. It took a moment for him to compose himself, but Zach finally took Chris’ hand and placed the same small box in his palm, looking at him expectantly.

“What is this?”

‘Open it,’ Zach signed.

“Did you get me earrings?”

It earned Chris an eyeroll.

Grinning at him, Chris slowly lifted the cover and tilted his head in confusion. The slip of paper had been folded in half three times to fit inside. Chris picked it up, looking at Zach for further instruction. Zach nodded and rubbed his back. Gingerly, Chris unfolded the note and furrowed his brow when he saw his own handwriting. It took a few seconds for the tiny change Zach made to the note to register what the message said.

 _ ~~Hypothetically~~ , what if I asked you to marry me? What would you say?_

Chris glanced at Zach, who was staring pointedly at the jewelry box. Following his gaze, Chris looked down and delicately removed the gold ring from its velvet pocket, leaving the note in his lap. He held the ring between the thumb and index finger of his right hand, studying the simple band with quiet intensity and disbelief.

Reaching for his other hand, Zach realized Chris’ hand was shaking as he gently squeezed it. Chris looked up at him with damp blue eyes and Zach drew in a shaky breath, trying hard to smile though the tears that began to pool in his own eyes.

“It’s my father’s ring. Ma gave it to me.” Giving Chris’ hand another squeeze, he let out the deep breath he was holding.

‘Will you marry me?’ Zach signed.

He would never forget the huge smile Chris gave him and the way the crinkles framed his blue eyes, or the sound of him saying an emphatic “yes” followed by his bright laughter.

“Asshole! I was going to ask you! I made reservations for next weekend at your favorite restaurant!” Chris said, bouncing on the couch.

“You were taking too long!” Zach replied.

Laughing, he took the ring and slipped it onto the finger of Chris’ right hand. It was a bit loose, but Chris was so excited that he didn’t seem to care.

Chris wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and then traced his fingertips down Zach’s cheeks, the same way he had done Christmas morning.

Zach closed his eyes at the feel of tear-stained and salty lips pressed to his while Chris’ arms enveloped him and held him together, keeping him from bursting through his own skin with joy.

“Will you marry me?” Chris asked.

Zach bit his bottom lip and grinned. “I can’t wait to.”


	5. Epilogue: Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family and friends gather for a special occasion.

There was no reason to be so anxious, but Zach couldn’t get his fingers to cooperate and knot his tie. Joe’s reflection appeared behind him in the mirror.

“You need help with that?”

Zach sighed, letting his shoulders drop and turning around to face his brother.

“Why am I so nervous?” he whined, fidgeting in his black suit.

“I’m pretty sure it’s normal,” Joe mumbled as he fixed Zach’s tie. “Alright, done.”

Peering out into his backyard, Zach saw that most of the guests had arrived. They had decided early on that they didn’t want it be a big affair. Closest friends and family, only. In the end, they still had a guest list of close to fifty people. It didn't seem possible to fit that many people on his property, but the caterer they hired, a friend of Joe's girlfriend, insisted it could be done.

“It’s hot as balls out there.”

Joe and Corey both jumped at the sound of Chris’ voice.

Corey caught him by the arm. “You’re not supposed to see him before the ceremony.”

“Already did this morning, assholes,” Chris said with a smile. “And twice the night before yesterday, too,” he added, holding up two fingers.

“I really wish I hadn’t heard that,” Joe said under his breath.

Zach blushed, thinking back to two nights ago when he was lying naked in bed for him to come home from work, right before Chris’ friends took him out for his bachelor party.

“Just want you to remember what you have waiting for you at home,” Zach had said as he unbuttoned Chris’ jeans.

Hours later, around four in the morning, Chris had staggered into their bedroom. Zach didn’t protest when Chris dragged him into the shower and pressed him up against the cool tiles.

Suddenly, Katie stormed in, scolding Chris and signing furiously. “What are you doing in here? I told you I have the ring.” She grabbed his hand and ushered him away, closing the door behind her.

Zach suddenly turned to Joe. “Do you have--”

“Yes.” He fished the ring out of his pocket as proof. “Relax, everything’s going to be fine.”

The week after the proposal, they went to a jeweler and picked out a ring for Zach that was identical to the one Zach had given Chris. They asked for both rings to be dipped in white gold, symbolic of them taking a new step in their relationship.

A few minutes later, Neal knocked and poked his head in. “I think we’re ready.” Joe and Corey headed toward the door as Zach glanced out the window again and saw Chris standing to the far right of the patio next to his mom, wearing a suit that matched his.

He shook his head and grinned. They were actually getting married. Three years to the day when Zach first introduced himself to Chris at the bookstore.

Zach’s mom was waiting for him by the patio door, smiling and already tearing up.

“It hasn’t even started yet, Ma. You can’t cry now,” he whispered as he bent down and hugged her.

She chuckled and swatted his arm before they walked outside and to the left. Turning his head to his right, he saw Chris, who looked over and gave him a small wave. It made something in Zach’s chest flutter.

The officiant signaled for the ceremony to begin and the wedding party, led by Katie and Joe, headed down the aisle to the far end of the lawn. Once they were in place, Chris and Zach, both escorted by their moms, walked toward the beginning of the aisle and stood side by side. They waited until their moms had reached their seats in the front row before they walked down together.

Apparently, it was bad luck for the groom to walk down the aisle in weddings and, initially, their parents had balked when they suggested that they wanted to walk together. Chris had said that since there would be two grooms, then it should be okay because the bad luck would cancel itself out.

“It’s a double negative,” he reasoned. Everyone had looked at him with confusion. Zach just smiled at him and agreed.

When they were finally standing in front of everyone, facing each other, all of Zach’s anxiety and nerves dissipated. He was focused on Chris in that particular moment, staring into eyes that reflected his joy, and it was as if the rest of the world had dropped away.

The officiant led a heartfelt ceremony as an ASL interpreter, the father of one of Chris’ Deaf friends, signed for the guests and for Chris during the vows.

There was an audible gasp of surprise when Zach began signing his vows as he recited them. Zach watched as Chris’ face went from shock to glee to an emotional mess. He hadn’t told anyone other than the officiant, the interpreter, and of course, Luke, who had secretly taught it to Zach.

The ceremony wrapped up quickly after their vows and rings were exchanged, with Chris and Zach sharing a short kiss.

By the time the chairs were rearranged for the reception, they were sick of posing for photos and Chris was hungry.

“Is this what walking down the red carpet is like?” Chris complained.

“This is way worse,” Zach replied.

Katie, as expected, cried during her speech. “I knew he was trouble when Chris told me would be leaving for twenty minutes to get a coffee and came back two and a half hours later looking like he was walking on clouds. And that look never went away,” she recalled.

After she finished, sobbing toward the end, Joe stood up and Zach braced himself for some embarrassing story from their childhood, but his brother was surprisingly genuine and kind in his speech.

“It’s amazing to watch them together sometimes,” Joe said, his voice thick with emotion. “Their bond is incredible, and incredibly strange, if you’ve ever seen them have a whole conversation with their eyebrows and facial expressions. Dad would’ve been proud of you two, and thrilled to have a published writer in the family.”

The night felt like a whirlwind to Zach, but everyone seemed happy and most importantly, Chris was enjoying himself. They danced once, swaying to their own rhythm as they hugged each other under the stars and the tiny lights strung among the tree branches.

 

 

By the time all the guests and catering staff had left, Chris had gotten his second wind and was bouncing around the house, chasing Harold and Noah.

“Is it going to feel weird if I jerk you off with my ring on?” Chris asked.

“I love how you always stay on topic.”

Zach kissed him on the temple and went to the bedroom to change out of his suit. He padded into the bathroom in his briefs and washed his face. He was brushing his teeth when Chris walked in, wearing his boxers and his white undershirt with his tie still draped around his neck.

Bumping Zach with his hip and moving him aside with his ass, Chris reached for his toothbrush. Zach raised an eyebrow and gave him a small shove. Chris responded by landing a quick slap to Zach’s backside.

After they finished their nightly routine in the bathroom, Zach wrapped an arm around Chris’ waist, trying to lead him into the bedroom. When Chris didn’t budge, he gave him a questioning look. Chris spun him around so they were facing each other and inched backward until he was against the counter.

Taking the tie from around his neck, he looped it over Zach’s head, knotted it loosely, and pulled. Zach stumbled forward braced his hands on the edge of the counter on either side of Chris to keep from crashing into him. Their lips weren’t even touching yet and Zach felt himself getting hard. Chris gave the tie another tug and brought their mouths together as Zach took a step forward to press him into the cool marble.

Zach smiled as Chris moaned into his mouth when his hands lifted the white shirt to smooth over the skin of his lower back. He ground his hips against Chris’, their erections separated by two layers of thin cotton, and Chris threw his head back with his eyes closed. Impatiently, Zach removed Chris’ shirt and ran his hands up the expanse of his chest, curling his hand behind Chris’ head so he could kiss and mouth at his pale neck.

Chris’ fingers played with the tie and then found their way past the elastic band of Zach’s briefs to rubs his knuckles against Zach and tease him with light strokes. Nudging him back, Chris deftly slid both his and Zach’s underwear off and opened the top drawer under the sink to pull out the lube.

Turning so that they were both facing the mirror, Chris stood in front of Zach and pressed his ass back into Zach’s crotch. Zach wrapped an arm around him, splaying his hand across Chris’ chest and moaned as he rubbed his length up Chris’ crack. The feel of dampness and the way Zach’s head would catch on the skin of his lower back made Chris gasp. He arched his back, pressing his backside more insistently into Zach and reached his hand out to grab the edge of the counter to steady himself.

Zach’s hand moved lower and cupped Chris’ balls. He watched Chris’ reflection over his shoulder in the mirror as his eyes snapped open to the feel of Zach’s hand around his erection. The blue of his eyes were nearly eclipsed by the black of his pupils.

Chris batted his hand away and reached for the lube before leaning slightly forward and spreading his legs. Zach took his hands and placed them flat on the counter in front of him. As much as Zach wanted to sink to his knees and pry Chris open with his tongue, he didn’t think Chris would last much longer judging from the sheen of moisture pooling at his slit and the way he kept rolling his hips back into the air.

It only took a couple minutes for Zach to prepare him before Chris was whining and scratching at the smooth marble.

“Zach, please,” he begged.

Kissing up his spine, Zach pressed his lips to the back of his shoulder, nipping lightly at the tender skin there and at the base of his neck with his teeth. He began pushing into Chris, his right arm snaking around him, rubbing his stomach and chest, while his left hand slid under Chris’ on the counter, their wedding bands clinking when Chris laced their fingers together. He rested his forehead in the dip between Chris' shoulder blades, letting him adjust to the stretch.

He began pushing in and out of Chris slowly. Picking up his pace, Zach leaned back to watch as he sank and disappeared between Chris’ round ass cheeks, the tip of the tie brushing along Chris’ tailbone. He uttered a groan and closed his eyes, throwing his head back for a moment. When he heard Chris whimpering and moaning, his hand gripped the hard, reddened length that was bobbing in front of him and began pumping.

Their eyes never left each other’s in the mirror as Chris bent forward slightly. He squeezed Zach’s hand when the change in angle caused Zach to repeatedly brush against that spot inside Chris as the thrust into him. Zach watched as Chris’ mouth fell open in a silent yell, his own hand working quickly up and down Chris’ shaft, his thumb occasionally swiping over the slit.

Despite their frantic movements, he tried to press kisses to Chris’ shoulder, whispering into his flushed skin. Zach watched as his orgasm built, the muscles in Chris’ abdomen tightening, before it finally overcame him, spilling across the countertop, down Zach’s hand, and dripping onto the floor.

As Chris screamed, he arched his back again, clenching and pushing back. Zach’s hand left a messy trail as it moved to grip Chris’ hip. It took three more thrusts before Chris watched Zach’s reflection while he pulsed inside him, their left hands entwined the whole time.

After they untangled themselves from one another, Zach suggested a bath instead of a shower and Chris clapped in agreement. Chris pulled him forward for another kiss before he removed the tie from around Zach’s neck and hung it on the doorknob. They filled the tub and climbed in, with Zach between Chris’ legs, his back hugged to Chris’ chest, their feet poking out of the water at the opposite end.

Zach lifted his left hand from the bubbles and stared at his ring. It felt strange and kind of foreign, but nice at the same time to have that weight as a reminder of their pledge to each other.

“It feels a little bit weird. I like it though. It makes me think of you,” Chris said, as if reading his mind.

Zach turned his head and saw that Chris’ head was leaned back on the lip of the tub, regarding Zach with a lazy smile. Twisting around to face Chris, Zach awkwardly maneuvered his legs to straddle his hips, a wave of water and bubbles splashing over the edge of the tub in the process.

“Exactly,” Zach said.

Chris placed a hand on his forearm. “Hey.”

Zach tilted his head in question and noticed that Chris was blushing.

Chris’ eyes sparkled and the left corner of he mouth curved upward. He held out his hands, palms pressed together, fingertips pointed away from him, and opened them, palms up.

Gently, Zach took Chris’ hands in his, nodding at the memory of the first word Chris had ever taught him to sign.

His smile matched Chris’ as he bent down to kiss him.

“Book,” he breathed against his lips.

 

 _*end*_


End file.
